Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly, My son has decided to become a homosexual and I was wondering what I need to do to turn him normal again. He may have a successful career, lots of friends, impeccable taste and a charming live-in companion called Greg, but all of these things count for nothing because he insists on engaging in anal sex  when he goes to bed at night. I don’t know why he can’t be more like his brother, Darren, and get a few of the local school girls pregnant. Please help.Elspeth,Cambridge

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Economy like my scrotum, says Osborne

THE economy contracts when cold, like a scrotum, chancellor George Osborne said last night.

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