Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)Your song-title based ‘jape’ was both childish and insensitive, but at least you didn’t use Shaduppa Your Face.

Checking article access…

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,My girlfriend and I have enjoyed a healthy, active sex life for several months now, but I am still feeling somewhat unsatisfied in the bedroom because we haven’t yet fulfilled my ultimate fantasy. Essentially, I would like to dress up as David Cameron, and her as Nick Clegg, and penetrate her vigorously in the rectum while I tell her  how I’m going to reduce her shopping budget by a significant percentage. Although I feel it is my right to demand this special favour, I have a sneaking suspicion it might not go down too well. Can you offer any suggestions as to how I persuade her?Iain,Somerset

Checking article access…