Anywhere getting snow must have done something to deserve it, say southerners

THE north of England and Scotland are only getting snow because they have done something terrible, southerners believe. 

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Agony Aunt: Dear Holly, I'm being mocked by a pig-molester

Dear Holly, That bastard David Cameron thinks it’s so funny to laugh at the ambiguous pronunciation of my name. I’m not sure what is worse: being mocked by an oily toff for being a shameless middle-class social-climber; or being mocked by an obsequious pig-molester for being a dreadful tosser. Either way, it hurts my feelings and I want revenge. Can you help? Nigel F, London

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