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'Bastard Chinese Tried To Poison Me' Says Indiana Jones

INDIANA Jones, the eminent archaeologist, has condemned the Chinese as a 'gang of no-good scumbags' claiming they tried to poison him in a Shanghai nightclub.

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Kaplinsky To Simulate Fellatio On Five News

NATASHA Kaplinsky will start each bulletin by staring straight into the camera and slowly sucking on her pencil as the new £1 million-a-year face of Five News. 

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