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Valentine's Sex Bid Will Fail, Says Angry Girlfriend

THE amount of money you would need to spend on gifts to get sex on Valentine's Day after you stayed out last Saturday night without explanation is so huge there is no point in you even bothering, your angry girlfriend said last night.

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Heathrow Installs Roulette Wheel Luggage System

ALL luggage checked-in at Heathrow airport is to be thrown onto a giant roulette wheel in a bid to increase its chances of arriving at the correct destination. 

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