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Guest Blog: Prince Harry On Tour

“OI you, saggy flaps!” I shouted at the trolley dolly as she walked down the aisle to serve one of my six bodyguards, “I think you’ll find that this is only a triple measure of Jack and I specifically asked for a quadruple. Be a luv and bring us the bottle.” Jesus, here I was heading to the States for the most important gig of my life only to find that Grannie’s Flight is employing hostesses from the Helen Keller School of Dozy Bloody Arseholes.

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,I am a 57 year-old ‘cougar’ with four children and two failed marriages behind me. Until recently I had given up all hope of finding love again. However, during a recent holiday to Turkey with my good friend Barbara, something amazing happened. One minute, Me and Babs were in a bar, shimmying on down to Candyman by Christina Aguilera, taking care not to get my cardi snagged on Barbara’s mobility scooter; the next, I was melting in the arms of a charming 19-year old sex-pot-with-a-six-pack called Murat. Although we’d only known each other for 20 minutes, Murat had already declared his love and asked about how he might arrange a British passport so we can spend eternity together. All this despite the fact I weigh 18 stone. Do you think it’s too soon for us to get a joint bank account?Doris,Kent

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