United to replace Harry Maguire with arthritic garden gnome with glass eye

MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.

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Left-wing masturbators accept challenge of Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher

LEFT-WING masturbators have accepted the gauntlet thrown down when Gillian Anderson was cast as Margaret Thatcher, they have confirmed.

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