Dear Holly, The other day, a female friend and I were comparing notes about our husbands. It turns out her husband gets up extra-early every  day to prepare breakfast in bed which he brings to her on a tray with a single red rose, then performs certain lewd acts on her downstairs department with his tongue, before telling her he loves her more deeply than ever and heading out to work. My husband, on the other hand, takes an enormous dump, shouts obscenities at Christine Bleakely and Adrian Chiles and then buggers off leaving his dirty plate and mug lying on the living room floor. Surely there must be something I can do to get one over on this awful woman and her bastard husband?Lois,Daventry

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