Sport
Bale not allowed on pitch at same time as other players
INSURERS have banned Carlo Ancelotti from picking Gareth Bale in case he gets broken.
North West particularly unbearable
TRAVELLERS have been warned that large areas of North West England are currently more awful than normal.
Arsenal pays £5.5 million for parallel universe Ronaldo
ARSENAL has signed Portuguese striker Ronaldo from a parallel Earth for the bargain price of £5.5m.
Football matches ruining magic of transfer market
FOOTBALL fans are furious that matches are diverting attention away from the transfer market.
Big Indifferent Land 3, Small Inexplicably Angry Land 2
BIG Indifferent Land snatched victory over Small Inexplicably Angry Land at Wembley last night leading to indifference and anger.
Qatar to create new ice age for 2022 World Cup
QATAR plans to trigger an ice age to cool the Earth sufficiently for it to host the World Cup.
Luis Suarez quotes Martin Luther King
FOOTBALLER Luis Suarez has delivered an impassioned speech inspired by history's greatest orators.