Sport

ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.

CAR-pointing experts Ferrari have caused uproar by replacing their driving team with two excessively polite gentlemen from the 1820s.

LIVERPOOL boss Roy Hodgson has unsettled new signing Joe Cole by repeatedly asking whether he's Sylvia or Enid's lad.

FORMULA 1 car-pointer Mark Webber will start the next Grand Prix in a 1998 Fiat Punto.

JOYFUL crowds spilled onto the streets of Spain last night as the nation celebrated its World Cup victory with a traditional bout of doing unspeakable things to donkeys.

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.