Sport

MANCHESTER United and Aston Villa were congratulated yesterday after the Carling Cup final ended without any of the players having sex with something.

MANCHESTER City defender Wayne Bridge today admitted his World Cup dream had been destroyed by the penis of John Terry.

BUILDERS working on England's World Cup base in South Africa have admitted the underground depravity cave may not be completed on schedule.

OCCASIONAL sports fans have begrudgingly fired up Wikipedia in an attempt to understand exactly what Amy Williams won a medal for.

TIGER Woods had intercourse with up to five different women during his televised apology, it emerged last night.

PATRICK Vieira has defended his attack on Glenn Whelan by claiming he was in the middle of a Word War Two flashback.

FINLAND'S Rinsu Skrnsson defended his Olympic title in Vancouver last night, taking gold in the 2x4000 Uphill Nordic Skjord.

THE Football League's first ever female referee booked Coventry City's Carl Baker yesterday for being totally insensitive.

FABIO Capello was in buoyant mood last night after England were drawn against the mythical land of Narnia in the 2012 European qualifiers.

FOOTBALL manager and brothel enthusiast Avram Grant has the world's finest wife, according to a new survey.