Sport

SIR Alex Ferguson has been handed a four-match touchline ban, forcing him to abuse referees by post.

MANCHESTER City striker Robinho has requested a transfer after missing his scheduled dose of psychotropic drugs.

DAVID Haye clinched the world heavyweight title against Russian Nikolay Valuev by discussing the recent collapse of the UK economy until his opponent conceded defeat.

NEWCASTLE United are to change the name of their historic St James's Park Stadium every 30 seconds, in accordance with the highest bidder.

ENGLAND cricket captain Andrew Strauss arrived in South Africa yesterday insisting he was 'absolutely raring' to have his arse handed to him on a plate.

TENNIS star Andre Agassi sold his entire head of hair to buy crystal meth, it emerged last night.

A STOKE man last night defended his offer of vigorous masturbation in exchange for tickets to see Grimsby versus Port Vale.

SIR Alex Ferguson has avoided fresh charges from the FA by euphemistically abusing the referee using figures of speech and a hand puppet.

THE Pope has made an audacious bid for eight million worshippers in a move that has infuriated Anglican manager Rowan Williams.

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez last night called for his team's immaculate kit to be the benchmark for their success.