Sport

GUNNERSAURUS is struggling to complete his application for universal credit after being sacked by Arsenal yesterday.

MANCHESTER UNITED have moved to strengthen their defence by swapping Harry Maguire for an arthritic garden gnome with a glass eye.

MANCHESTER United have been awarded a further penalty in last weekend’s match against Brighton & Hove Albion.

SHOOTING grouse and stag-hunting are exceptions to the Rule of Six thanks to Conservative lawmakers, but what else?

IN keeping with its policy of getting the right people for top jobs, the government has appointed Harry Maguire as ambassador to Greece.

A YOUNG man is convinced that everything in modern life is a bogus conspiracy except professional wrestling.

ONCE I was ordinary man. I watch football on TV. People watching football make noise. I powerless.

MARCUS Rashford is a hero who’s given Britain hope. And now it’s time for us to give back, by making him sole winner of the 2019/20 Premier League.

A LOAD of absolute knobheads are delighted that sport is back on shortly, as if it mattered.

FOOTBALLERS are currently being paid to have sex with beautiful women and drive expensive cars without having to kick a ball or suffer from thigh strain.