Politics

THE economy contracts when cold, like a scrotum, chancellor George Osborne said last night.

FORMER Number 10 press chief Andy Coulson must have known about his own resignation, the Guardian claimed today.

A POLICE protection officer has been suspended after destroying Britain's relationship with not having to look at Ed Balls.

DEPUTY prime minister Nick Clegg was last night told to stop thinking about stuff.

MANY more MPs are expected to admit fraud in a bid to get away from whining, busy-body constituents.

SHADOW chancellor Rachel Reeves has vowed to end to excessive bank profits with an angry poem.

THE millions of people who said Vince Cable was exactly the sort of politician this country needs were last night looking like a bunch of grade-A twats.

WEEDY education secretary Michael Gove has promised to reinstate school sports funding as long as he can be picked first by the tall, healthy boy who looks like Robert Pattinson.

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to restore his party to power with meat suits, eye liner and ending every sentence with the expression 'va-va'.

CASH-strapped local councils have pledged to identify the workers who are most useful and then sack them.