Sport

MICHAEL Schumacher's return to Formula One could re-establish the sport's reputation as a seemingly unending spectacle of utter dreariness, it was claimed last night.

THE British cyclist who crossed the line first in Paris yesterday did not win the Tour de France, experts stressed last night.

JOHN Terry has pledged his future to Chelsea, denting Manchester City's hopes of fielding a team comprised entirely of unbearable dicks.

CHELSEA have reported Manchester City to the FA for behaving exactly the same way they have behaved for years.

ARSENAL fans staged a candlelight vigil at the Emirates stadium last night praying that Manchester City's bid for Emmanuel Adebayor is successful.

TEST match cricket was declared stupid last night after England drew with Australia despite being much, much worse at cricket than them.

FORMULA One has taken on the role and responsibilities of 'Odessa', the support network for fugitive Nazis, it was claimed last night.

MICHAEL Owen has begun his Manchester United career by breaking his wrist in three places while attempting to sign his new contract.

ROGER Federer tore up the record books predictably last night following an utterly tedious victory over some American who's done nothing but play tennis since he was seven.

THE All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time.