Sport

SLOVENIA'S Bostjan Cesar has been banned for life from football after allowing himself to be stabbed by Wayne Rooney.

CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.

ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.

A THRILLING summer of terrible cricket reached its climax yesterday as England regained the Ashes by being marginally less dreadful than Australia.

CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.

AN inquiry has been launched after the world record breaking sprinter Usain Bolt was spotted in a 135 year-old photograph.

MILLIONS of Englishmen have begun their annual ritual of convincing themselves that football is an essential part of who they are.

MEN have won the right to watch two women have a sweaty fight as long as one of them gets to listen to her national anthem at the end.

AUSTRALIA has offered to bowl underarm for the final Ashes test so they do not have to sit about for two days, waiting to catch their return flight to Sydney.

THE Vieira, a species of footballer not seen on these shores for many years, is coming back to its former ground to die.