Sport

ARSENAL midfielder Mesut Ozil has not yet been able to touch the World Cup.

MANCHESTER United's new boss Louis van Gaal has slammed the quality of the booze left behind by Sir Alex Ferguson.

WINNING at football requires eleven good players, experts have confirmed.

FOOTBALL fans and pundits have expressed relief that World Cup discussion can focus on joyless efficiency.

BEING beaten by Britain in a military conflict is the secret to winning the World Cup, it has been claimed.

CYCLIST Chris Froome has been turned off, left for 30 seconds and turned back on again.

CHRIS Froome has snatched the lead in the Tour de France after successfully elbowing his way to the front of the Eurostar queue.

BRITAIN has enjoyed its most polite day of sport since records began. 

THE 2014 World Cup mascot is being held for ransom by former mascots Pique the jalapeno and Gauchito.

INJURED Tour de France sprinter Mark Cavendish has announced that he will continue the race in his 2006 Renault Clio.