Sport

ENGLAND captain Steven Gerrard last night walked into the Amazon jungle on his own.

ENGLAND can qualify for the second round of the World Cup if the remaining group games are played in a 12-dimensional universe.

CHELSEA have announced plans to double their stadium's Jose Mourinho capacity.

THE Uruguay team known to fans as La Familia Negritos are preparing for tonight’s clash in the Negrito World Cup.

FOLLOWING defeat by Italy, the England football team now faces an ill-timed trek up Brazil's tallest mountain.

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson is devising new strategies based on films including Escape to Victory and Bend It Like Beckham.

THE England football team's sports psychologist Steve Peters has dislocated his cerebral cortex while celebrating the equaliser against Italy.

THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.

THE England team must overcome a hostile fungus which has invaded their pitch and backs Argentina’s claim over the Falklands.

EVERYONE has decided how the World Cup is going to progress based on last night's opening game.