Politics

THE Queen's speech will today outline plans for a minimum guaranteed penis size for everyone over the age of 21 and universal access to free chocolate custard.

GORDON Brown's admission that he does not have any money has raised suspicions the prime minister may not be very good when it comes to matters of finance.

MEMBERS of Parliament should be banned from stealing money and fancy goods, according to a major new report.

THE British National Party last night outlined plans for free didgeridoo lessons for Britain's aboriginal population.

MILLIONS of people across Britain were today hoping BNP leader Nick Griffin will say something stunningly offensive about Jewish people.

THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.

GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.

ONE of the first acts of a Conservative government would be to take Bruce Forsyth into some woods and then let him go, David Cameron declared yesterday.

THE prospect of a nice, ripe banana faded rapidly into the distance last night as Britain faced-up to a new age of banana-free austerity.

LABOUR'S relationship with News International was in tatters last night after Lord Mandelson described the company as 'a bunch of fumpers who need a right good kick in the chump'.