Politics

ONCE again, the Daily Mash books you a front row seat to history in the actual making. Today Gordon Brown delivers his last ever speech to a Labour conference. Will it be really great, or will everyone start shouting 'get off, you jowly freak'? We'll bring you minute by minute highlights as we try to stay with it, all the way through to the end...

ALISTAIR Darling is to boost Britain's faltering economy by giving 30 million one pound coins to poor people.

THE Lib Dems last night phoned 250,000 voters to ask if Nick Clegg was the medium sized one in Last of the Summer Wine.

EVERYONE will get a bowl of luxurious vanilla ice cream and a nice, long hand job when the Lib Dems take power, the party agreed yesterday.

PRIME minister Gordon Brown was last night wiping urine from his face after attempting to empty his bladder into a strong wind.

ALISTAIR Darling last night pleaded for his immediate dismissal, stressing he was the worst chancellor in more than 60 years.

DAVID Cameron is back in Britain and feeling refreshed after enjoying his proper holiday with millionaire aristocrats.

GORDON Brown received a boost yesterday after Labour's former deputy leader compared him to the frozen food giant Captain Birdseye.

HE has thrown down a coded gauntlet to Gordon Brown, but does David Miliband really have what it takes to be prime minister for a few weeks towards the end of the year?

LABOUR backbenchers are preparing to ditch Gordon Brown and place their electoral fortunes in the hands of the most God-awful cow.