Sport

SIR Alex Ferguson has called for the exchange of very large sums of money to involve at least some football.

SPORTS fans have asked Scotland that if they cannot be good can they at least be unusual.

ENGLAND manager Martin Johnson is to position a brace of floozies and a pitcher of lager behind the goal line in a bid to motivate Mike Tindall.

THE army is on standby in the event of a tennis strike, Downing Street has confirmed.

ARSENAL are to be granted legal protection from the relentless taunts of opposing fans, it has been confirmed.

SPURS boss Harry Redknapp has defended his team selection against Rubik Tonka, claiming his side are uniformly mediocre.

WAYNE Rooney is a white, prostitute-loving version of Pele, Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed.

THERE have been fresh calls to detain Britain's diehard rugby fans in New Zealand for the rest of their lives.

BRITAIN'S 5000m world champion Mo Farah has admitted that in retrospect he wishes he hadn't bothered.

VICTORY over Wales tomorrow will see England confirmed as the team with the most unrealistic set of fans in the world.