Sport

AS everybody is surely aware, each February 20th is a dizzying whirl of excitement as the nation’s orchestras jostle to restock their ranks.

ARSENAL fans being given their money back for a dreadful away performance could set a legal precedent that will instantly kill 98 percent of English football.

MANCHESTER is better than north London at one thing and one thing only, it has been confirmed.

MATCH of the Day producers have welcomed the opportunity to completely ignore Sir Alex Ferguson.

NEIL Warnock is building a fortress of arseholes in West London, it emerged last night.

SAMIR Nasri will spend the rest of his career going from club to club trying to do right, confirmed his agent. 

TECTONIC striker Emmanuel Adebayor is considering a move to Spurs to cheer up Arsenal fans.

From the darkest corners of your nightmares, this season's biggest frightfest is... BARTON!

POLICE last night thanked the Premier League for lulling an over-excited Britain back to sleep.

SATURDAY'S football fixtures will go ahead after police agreed to issue every spectator with a riot shield and a stick.