Sport

NEWCASTLE United fans last night warned the club's potential buyers they must invest heavily in the reanimation of 1950s hero Jackie Milburn.

THE enemies of Theo Walcott struck gold last night as the England hero fired in a hat-trick against Croatia.

EVERYONE in Britain really meant to watch the Paralympics this weekend but ended up missing it for some reason.

BRITAIN'S Olympic superstars were welcomed back to Heathrow yesterday by thousands of ecstatic advertising executives. 

GOLD medal swimming sensation Michael Phelps last night celebrated his Olympic success with a monumental visit to the lavatory.

EVERYONE who is not British must be filled to the brim with self-loathing, it was confirmed last night.

BRITAIN'S teenage diver Tom Daley was on the business end of a synchronised kicking last night after a spat with his team-mate.

LESS than 50% of the athletes competing in this year's Olympic games will be killed by airborne poisons, the Chinese government said last night.

CARRYING the Olympian hopes of a proud nation, they are the six Great Britons tipped to just miss out on the medals.

CHELSEA coach Luiz Felipe Scolari believes his team can win all three domestic trophies, the Champions League, University Challenge and Masterchef.