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Close-ups to capture Messi's distaste at playing England

Spain hope it's England

SPAIN have their fingers crossed for England to triumph over Argentina tonight so Sunday is a nice easy final.

Jude Bellingham confident nation won't viciously turn on him if this f**ks up

JUDE Bellingham has no concerns that England, who has decided he is its newest hero, will turn to mercilessly hounding him if he does not win tonight’s game.

Starmer to extend lunch breaks by five minutes if England win World Cup

KEIR Starmer has announced that all English lunch breaks will be extended by five whole minutes for one day only if England wins the World Cup.

What an ideal semi-final tie for me, a man still not over the Falklands War

WHAT luck! England vs Argentina in the semi-final of the World Cup, and me still not over a war between our countries that ended 44 years ago!

We ask you: How can England stop Haaland tonight?

TONIGHT, England play Erling Haaland and his Norwegian chums in the quarter-final of the World Cup. How can he possibly be stopped?

England needs a fun celebration making light of its past invading other countries in boats

WHY should it be Norway? If there’s any nation known worldwide for descending on countries in boats and taking them over by force, it’s surely us.

How we'd change the World Cup to make it better, by an American

HEY! American here, just heard of soccerball, willing to fix it. This is how to change the rules to make it a better sport where great countries win.

Man has weird dream that England are good

A MAN has awoken from an unsettling dream that England are good, score goals and win knockout games.

Watching England at 1am: your 12 hours of torment

ENGLAND play Mexico in the small hours tomorrow, and despite everything you’re going to watch it. Here’s how you’ll prepare and suffer the consequences.