Arts & Entertainment

AS Top Gear's ratings plummet, the BBC has begun cultivating the three boils on a fat middle-aged man's belly that will grow into its new presenters.

SIMON Cowell last night unveiled plans for a new television format showcasing the best of Britain's amateur rage.

SIMON Cowell has removed X Factor winner Joe McElderry's skin and stitched Olly Murs into it to create a perfect hybrid of looks and likeability.

DIRECTOR James Cameron last night insisted his trillion-dollar epic Avatar 'will set a new standard for films with colourful cat people made by computers'.

ITV has unveiled plans for a new reality TV show based on the most nauseating atrocities of the Spanish Inquisition.

FORMER Echo and The Bunnymen drum machine DR670 has announced its plans to release a solo album.

NEW BBC editorial guidelines state that all jokes must be cleared by Jethro, Cornwall's leading comedy exponent and pasty enthusiast.

AFTER failing to capture the West's attention by blowing things up, Iraq's insurgents have launched a boy band in a bid to boost their profile.

THE manager of a Swindon table dancing club last night offered members of the public the chance to express themselves on a plinth, especially if they have big tits.

DANYL Johnson, the android X-Factor contestant, has killed four of his rivals after a dress rehearsal malfunction.