International

THE tiny jellyfish who stung Ben Southall last night insisted he was only doing what anyone would have done in the same circumstances.

PRESIDENT Obama last night unveiled plans to send an extra 30,000 troops to Afghanistan after confusing it with a country that is not completely insane.

IRAN will soon find the five British yachtsmen they have captured quite unbearable, experts predicted last night.

A TELEVISED gay kiss has caused outrage across America after thousands of red-blooded men discovered the beginnings of a semi.

THE man who doctors believed was in a coma for 23 years is to start blackmailing the shit out of all the people who thought he couldn't hear them.

THE new president of the European Union is a Catholic German vampire who craves the blood of your children, experts warned last night.

SARAH Palin could still stand for the US presidency in 2012 after it emerged she has no idea what radar is.

SEXUAL intercourse with President Barack Obama is better than sex, his wife has revealed.

MILLIONS of ordinary Europeans look set to lose their chance of getting steadily sick of Tony Blair until they despise him with every fibre of their being.

ICELAND has begun the search for a new supplier of thin slabs of gristle covered with a slice of processed yellow dairy product.