Society

MOST British children are now being raised by goats, dogs, rats and monkeys, according to new research.

THE seaside resort of Ilfracombe is to place teenage pregnancy rates at the heart of its economic development strategy.

A TOWN council is hoping to end the carnage caused by stray pine needles by replacing its traditional 20ft Christmas Tree with a photograph of Kermit the Frog.

POLICE arresting suspects to gain their DNA are hoping to breed a new species of super-criminal in a bid to increase overtime payments, it emerged last night.

A CITY financier accused of sending obscene Latin messages to a work experience girl could soon find himself being irrumaboed and pedicaboed 24 hours a day, it was claimed last night.

SOCIAL networking websites have been criticised for not introducing a help button for users to report awful, boring tits.

A NEW female sex pill will make women feel sufficiently worthless to embroil themselves in a series of demeaning one-night-stands with unbearable men, it was claimed last night.

HOMOSEXUALITY is caused by an invisible evil cloud that can even get inside your pregnant wife and turn your unborn son into a lover of Mamma Mia, experts claimed last night.

THE government is to replace the current system of student loans and bursaries with £300-an-hour, high-class whoring.

GORDON Brown has encouraged Britain to become even more physically revolting after a study showed the UK leads the world in gap-toothed, cock-eyed repugnance.