Society

BRITISH workers face spending their twilight years in peaceful, neon-lit retirement brothels.

OFFICERS policing yesterday's student demonstrations have returned to work with serious injuries rather than admit they were hurt by some ponce called Ollie.

BRITAIN ground to a standstill today after the heaviest November global warming bullshit in more than a decade.

DEFENDING Britain's half-arsed interest in God and stuff is the sovereign's most important role, the Queen said yesterday.

NEXT April's Royal Wedding will give Britain a four-day respite from its busy schedule of baying hysterically at television freak shows.

WORKPLACES across England are bracing themselves for the impact of thousands of red-eyed, half-pissed psychopaths, when the Ashes begins later this week.

HESTON Blumenthal's Christmas pudding is set to be an achingly dull talking point at this season's least interesting dinner tables.

POPE Benedict has paved the way for a new Christian festival, to be named 'Skankmas'.

GRANDPARENTS are finding their kindly exterior increasingly difficult to maintain, it has emerged.

DREARY women across Britain finally have something new to talk about for the next six to nine months.